January 8th 2011
I took eight pregnancy tests that all turned out positive. We were so happy, and excited for a baby, we were in shock because it was almost a too good to be true sort of thing. We had been trying for a little while... During the 13 weeks of pregnancy, I had all of the signs, and symptoms of normal pregnancy... Body parts were changing. I felt bloated, my pants started to get tight.. I couldn't stay awake, exhausted, and tired all of the time, going to be as early as 7pm...
I had cramps the entire pregnancy, which terrified me because whenever I would research cramps online in early stages of pregnancy it all brought up "Miscarriages Signs & Symptoms." I was scared to death that it would turn out to be something like that, I more or less didn't press the issue with the doctor because I really didn't want to hear, and really wasn't ready to hear bad news. I also had read in certain research articles that it was normal to have cramps in early pregnancy.
I called my doctor's office twice, when the cramps were bad, and this was really early in the pregnancy, like 6 weeks. I was told by whoever answered the phone at the doctor's office that cramps were normal. I also had a few headaches off, and on throughout the 13 weeks too. Around week 9 I called the "ON-CALL" Doctor because it was after hours, and I talked to them about the cramps, and how I was feeling, and the doctor said I was okay, and what I was feeling was absolutely the way I should be, but if it gets to the point of being intolerable, I should go straight to the ER. After speaking with this doctor, I decided I needed to suck it up. Everyone says that being Pregnant & Childbirth is one of the most painful things that they've ever gone through, and that it was one of the hardest things they've ever gone through. I kind of just told myself that I was being super paranoid about something bad happening, and this being my first pregnancy, I figured it wasn't going to be a easy, so I should just listen to what the doctor's & nurses say and quit being such a wimp about it... I never ever should've doubted my gut, always is right even when you don't want it to be...
My mother in-law told me that she never knew career-wise what she wanted to do with her life, but then only thing she knew is that she wanted to be a Mother. My MIL graduated college, and has numerous different jobs, very educated woman, and said that she still doesn't know what she wants to do, but she's always known that being a mom is what she wanted to do, and I feel the same exact way.
I'm basically three classes away from being in RN clinicals. Worked as a Certified Nurse Assistant for 6 years, and now I'm basically doing Office Management work at my current job. I love it. I help Cancer patients while they're going through the worst possible time of their life, and if I can get a few extra smiles and laughs out of them, that they probably didn't think they were going to have that day, then every bit of my job is complete. All I can say about all of the roles that I've been in all the jobs over the years, is that I like helping people, and making them feel better and get some laughs & smiles out of them, and taking care of them when they need someone to do it for them, when they cannot.
I truly feel the exact same way that my MIL does. I will do different job roles my whole life, but having kids is what I'm passionate about. Things were not always rainbows and butterflies in my childhood growing up, but I know that my Dad & Mom love me something fierce, along with my brothers. Family. Having a family is just natural for me, I love being in a full house of chaos, it's all I've ever known and what I'm comfortable in. I know that being a Mom is what I want to be, and what I will be good at someday... I know that having a job, and being financially independent on my own with out anyone elses help is always something I have done for myself, and will always do for myself. I feel that this life we live in is way too short. I feel that I'm very blessed to still have my grandparents, both sets of parents, Chris's and mine. I feel like I just want to spend as much time as I possibly can with family, nothing is more important than family, and making a family for me. Make as much money, in as little days as possible, so that you can pay your debts, have some fun, and hang out with your family & friends. Play more, work less.
This past Saturday, Chris was watching the Colts Playoff game, and I was putzing around the house, because I can never sit down for very long, playing on the computer, that sort of night.. Just hanging out. I started to feel horrible, cramps, among other things.. I was on the phone with my Mom, kind of hinting around to ask her if some things that were happening to me were "Normal" during pregnancy, and the twist between her tone and worry/dread/uncomfortable to say what she really wanted to, she said "No.. Crystal that's not normal, and you probably should get a hold of the Doctor." I could tell from her voice, her being an RN, and also her personal experience with one Miscarriage, and one Molar Pregnancy, that that tone in her voice knew that this was going to turn out to be happy ending I was dreaming of.
During the entire pregnancy I was having cramps, which apparently the doctors said was normal? I went to the ER, and they admitted me to the floor right away. I was taken to a room, and they asked me to get undressed and into a gown. They did blood tests, took my vitals, and then the doctor "ON-CALL" (notice my normal doctor wasn't around the entire 13 weeks..) Not even a call to see how I was feeling, how things were going, NOTHING. This "ON-CALL" ObGyn doctor.. Dr. Ronko was like an Angel sent from heaven. Dr. Ronko was the nicest, most caring and sincere doc, and the most real doctor I've ever come across. Dr. Ronko was with me from start to finish. The Nurse came in the room, and told me that a C-Section was just about to start, and that it would be about 45 minutes before the doctor could come see me.
This all took place between the hours of 11pm-4am. Chris and I waited for the doctor to come in...
Waiting...Waiting...Waiting... FINALLY!
Two doctors came in, and a RN came into do an Ultrasound.. This is the part I was so excited about I couldn't stand it. I thought to myself, I wonder if they can print off a picture for me to take home, or let me take a picture with my cell phone so I could send everyone pictures of the baby. I just could not wait to see the baby for the first time. It's what I was daydreaming about since we found out. So they did a first type of Ultrasound, and the doctor told me that I was 13 weeks along. The Gestational Sac was developed fully, uterus, and all other parts were developed to the point of 13 weeks. They couldn't see the baby from doing the first type of ultrasound, so they did another type. I knew then that there wasn't a baby in there. I just didn't want to say anything to Chris or out loud to myself because some part of me still thought they would find it with the second type of ultrasound. The doctor did the second type of Ultrasound, and explained where all of the parts were: Placenta, Uterus, my bladder, etc. and she said "I'm not seeing a baby in your body Mrs. Deary." I seriously couldn't stop staring at the Ultrasound screen. I was in shock. EVERY other part developed to "13 week status" except a baby? What a cruel joke I felt was being played on me. I could not believe my eyes, just an empty sac...
(The worst part about it was that after I told everyone and started reading the books, and it was starting to feel comfortable, and more real to me, I just had a gut feeling that something was wrong with the baby, I tried talking to the baby on my way home from work one day, and deep down I knew I felt like I was just having a conversation with myself. I forced the conversation due to I felt like a horrible person thinking that there wasn't a baby in there. I kept talking, just to try to keep it real, but deep down I just knew I was talking to myself...)
I absolutely lost it. Then the doctor asked if they could take some samples, and explained that 1 out of every 6 pregnancies end in Miscarriage. I thought to myself well at least five other moms had a happy ending. Then the doctor talked about Miscarriage for a long while. Then told me that I would have to wait until Monday for D & C Surgery, because I wasn't "Far enough into the Miscarriage" whatever that's suppose to mean. So on Saturday night, Chris and I drove home around 4:30/5ish am. That was a very long, hard, emotional 45 minute ride home from the hospital. Go into the hospital "Pregnant," come out "Not Pregnant." and no baby to bring home..
Earlier that day I went to the store and got about 100 baby hangers, and a huge bag of Unisex Baby Clothes all for $10.00. I had all the clothes laid out from showing Chris them, had about twelve "Baby Books" laying everywhere, Fit Pregnancy magazines all over, upstairs I have half a closet full of Baby Clothes & toys, rattles, bibs, socks, sleds, and we started tearing that room up to fix up for the Baby. Haven't gone in there yet, I shut the door, and I'm ignoring the Elephant that very blatently lurking around every corner in this house.
On Sunday, I threw the baby books in a drawer that I never open, the clothes are in another drawer in this buffett table I have in the Dining Room. I'm on Morphine and Vicodin right now, so if this whole thing sounds like a five year old wrote it you know why. I basically hid everything in the house that's baby stuff, but I still haven't gone in that room.. I don't want to deal with that yet. My eyes and face are completely raw, and red, to the point that it's very painful to even try to touch it with Kleenex, from crying. The doctor told me that I wasn't far enough into the Miscarriage (Even though there wasn't even a fetus in me to call it an Emergency Procedure.) On Sunday, I had the miscarriage at home, which I would never wish upon anyone. BUT! The doctor knows best. "I wasn't far enough into it yet." Well sure I was that's why I went home, and had half of it here.
I was told Monday (today.) I would get a call at 8am to be told what time my surgery was. It turned out being 11am. Chris and I went to the hospital at 11am, and I got the IV in, and went through all the paperwork, was given anestectics, they didn't want to knock me completely out, and I basically told them... You better give me the best anestectics you have, this is so far the worst day in my life, and I want to remember nothing. Once when I was waking up from a previous procedure in the past I heard myself not breathing, and having an asthma attack in my sleep, so I was really worried about it happening again. The Anesteshiologist knocked me completely out, I think he in a way knew my wishes of what I wanted, and he did a great job..
I woke up in Recovery by a Nurse who shouted in my face, scared me so bad I started crying, then I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, and she yelled at me to not touch my face, because I'd scratch myself. I think I also kept crying, because I realized I was completely not pregnant anymore, and it all started to seem more real. Alls I wanted to do was wipe my eyes, but apparently its illegal in Recovery. This nurse was terrible. Wonderful thing to hear from your nurse waking up. If I would've been able to talk right, I would've told the witch I'm sorry my miscarriage was an inconvience for your work day! My Oxygen level was 55,60% for about 50 minutes.. When it's suppose to be 92-100% and she told me she had to leave me to go help another RN, who's patient needed more help, I overheard Hysterectomy, I overheard her sugar was dropping. Since I knew what all of my vitals were I knew my Oxygen level was horrible. Usually people who keep stats like that get put on Oxygen. It's an indescribable feeling knowing that you're alone, your oxygen level is horrible, your chest, lungs, and face are completely numb.I couldn't as much as I tried take deeper breaths, it's too hard when you can't feel any of your parts that make you take deeper breaths to try to force yourself to do it. After an hour my Oxygen level started to rise. My nurse that had me in Pre-Op took over for the other nurse. I really loved my Pre-Op nurse, she was like an Angel. I think she knew my O2 stat was bad, and no one was paying attention to me so she intervened, actually just took all of the nurses paperwork, and told her she was done here. I think God sent her to look over me, and she did. This nurse actually wheeled me back into Pre-Op and apologized for the previous nurses actions. When I was laying there wondering if I was going to stop breathing, I overheard the "Bad" nurse complaining about the "Add-On's" that day. Which I was definitely one of them. If I wasn't so exhausted, and I was whispering because I was just that tired. I would've told that crappy nurse "I'm sorry I didn't plan my Miscarriage, and schedule it with your department accordingly so you wouldn't have any extra patients today. Sorry for the inconvience bitch." This nurse only had one other patient besides me, god forbid she have more than one patient. I wish I was feeling more like myself, because I really would've gave her a piece of my mind, which I have no problem doing which anyone who knows me, knows this. If any nurses read this I hope that they realize yeah...you may have an extra patient today, and you may have more work, and be late to lunch, but how about me? How about the fact that I just lost my first kid? How about the fact that I already told everyone and their brother, because I was just that damn excited and now I have to keep re-living my nightmare while re-telling all of them "Oh guess what were not expecting a baby anymore.. I was just kidding before.." How about people see where other people are coming from, and for once think about what their going to say before they say it. I work for the hospital, and I know that they shove way to many patients onto the staff, and that Nurse's attitude was a reflection of how they staff their hospital.
I was reunited with Chris, I can't imagine the conversation that took place with morphine running through these veins. I felt bad for Chris dealing with me all doped up on that. I'm still pretty doped up. I've been on Morphine during the day, and I'm taking Vicodin right now. I don't mind being numb right now, I actually perfer the numbness and zoning out, instead of to be thinking or doing anything. I'm now home, I'm not hungry, not thirsty, not tired, not sore, pretty much just nothing, and feeling numb.
I have a lot of things running through my mind, and none of them are good things. For instance, why is it that a 9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16 yr old little girls can get pregnant have a healthy baby? Why is it that women who can't provide for children have healthy babies, and know nothing else but that? Why is it that you hear of mothers & fathers beat, molest, kill, etc. to newborn babies/children and they still have healthy ones? or plain and simple get pregnant, and have the babies? I'm not saying I wish anything that's happened to me on anyone else but where is the justice in these situations that I've mentioned and what happened to me?
I have a job where I can alone provide for a baby, provide the best heath care insurance for a baby, I want to pay for my baby's college, wedding, grand-children... Chris has a job that can do all of the same. We have a four bedroom, 2000sq ft. house, we could have 3 kids, and each would have their own seperate bedroom, and there would be plenty of space, fenced in backyard, 5 Star school system, clubhouse, pool, tennis, basketball courts, three playgrounds, and all the neighborhood kids you could imagine for them to make friends with. Endless love, Faith, parenting skills, roof, food, toys galore, I could provide for a baby, and then this happens. I believe that besides everything else they took on that operating table they also took a huge piece of my heart that I can never get back..
I've had plenty of time to think, because I basically am on bedrest right now. When the Doctor told Chris and I, that 1 out of 6 women have miscarriages... I have to say that at least I have a husband who adores me, treats me like a queen everyday, takes excellent care of me, and who was with me 100% of the way. At least we both had each other.. If I didn't have him throughout this experience, and was single or something I truly don't know how I'd get through it. As absolutely horrible as it is to say, I'll say it anyway. At least it happened to Chris and I because I know that together, we will make it through this terrible hardship that has happened to us.
He has been my rock, giving me 100% of his attention, because he wants too, not because he has too. God put him on earth just for me, for numerous reasons, too many to even list, and even if it just ends up being Chris and I, for the rest of our lives I will be happy. I'm not so sure I can even try any of this again, because of how I feel right now. I honestly think I can't chance going through this again.
Chris is such a good of a man he has been to me, and how happy he makes me, and how he makes me laugh so much that I have laugh lines at age 25... There's truly not even enough words to express how he has been throughout this entire process..
Right now I feel: Cheated, Sad, Shocked, Angry, Emotionally drained, Exhausted, Disappointed, Embarassed, Depressed, and Numb.
Mainly I just numb. Just sitting around with the whole world still moving around me, and no desire too do anything, go anywhere, just sitting here in pain.
Actually, the craziest & best part of this entire experience is (and this is sad that it's the "Best" part of the weekend...)that while I was under sedation in the operating room. Even if some people may think I've gone insane which really is quite possible after the weekend Christopher and I've had.
I had a dream that Chris and I had a girl. It wasn't like I gave birth to her it was like.... I just got to see her. She was laying in the clouds, the sun was shining, and she was absolutely adorable. Thick brown hair, big beautiful brown eyes, heart shaped face, beautiful complexion, wearing a lavender flower outfit, and smiling, and so, so, SO beautiful..
::Minutes later.::
Then I woke up into this nightmare called reality.
*Fake smile*
I will be better someday....
not today..
not tomorrow...
Someday. . .
No comments:
Post a Comment