Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday Funday.
This weekend has been so uneventful, and I'm loving every minute of it.. This is Chris's weekend to work. I'm going to be getting ready to go to church in a little bit. I'm thinking that I'm going to go get pictures developed today from vacation, and go to the store for a minute. I love it when there is nothing happening on weekends. I definitely have more energy today than I did yesterday. The Pups & I took naps all day, most activity we all had was switching chairs or couches. hehehe. They have been such lazy dogs lately, I think my energy or lack of is contagious. I think that I'm going to go to church get revived for the week, and hopefully I can come home, and actually start on the Baby's room. I might go to the hardware today, and pick out some paint colors so we can get started on all that. Like it sounds in this writing things are pretty laid back this weekend, and I'm loving it. =)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
House
Well according to my Baby Ticker.. Our Baby will be here in 24 weeks. That seems so fast to me, especially when it comes to having everything ready for the baby. I've been trying to clean this house, & organize, & get rid of things to Goodwill, so we can make room. I just feel like I'm moving in sloth mode. For instance, Chris was at work, I cleaned the Living room, and then the Pups & I, decided that we would take naps, and the most activity all four of us did today was switch each other for a couch or a chair, and take another nap! LOL I could usually clean the whole downstairs in about half a day. This week it's taken me... well the whole week to get 3 rooms cleaned... I have no energy lately. We are trying to clear out the "Storage" room because that's going to be the Baby's room. Then Chris's going to paint it, and then we can get everything else ready. I hope that tomorrow when I wake up I'm super spunky, & get everything done that I want too. We will see.. It's so nice to get back to blogging not just personally on my laptop. Looking forward to writing everything down that will happen over the next few years, so I can look back and remember everything.
Bubbles
After our roadtrip, we went through A LOT of windshield wiper fluid.. I got to my parents house, and grabbed a random jug of Blue, didn't read the label, and put in my car. Chris and I drove the whole five hours back to Indy, and Chris is like "Why's it producing suds??" I said "must be extra soapy windshield wiper fluid.." Then there came the Bubbles.. lol
Then my Mom calls today, and is like "Your dad tried to powerwash the house today, and someone used up all of the powerwash soap.." So I started laughing because I totally didn't read the label before I just poured it in. I said "Wellllllllll I think I know where it went.. It's in my car!" Now we're driving around Tiny Bubblin' it up in Indy. It's really entertaining for the easily amused. Bubbles evvverywhere! ;)
Then my Mom calls today, and is like "Your dad tried to powerwash the house today, and someone used up all of the powerwash soap.." So I started laughing because I totally didn't read the label before I just poured it in. I said "Wellllllllll I think I know where it went.. It's in my car!" Now we're driving around Tiny Bubblin' it up in Indy. It's really entertaining for the easily amused. Bubbles evvverywhere! ;)
16 week Appt.
Okay, enough with the heavy. It's July 9th, 2011. I'm 16 weeks and 2 days along now. Our 16 week appt. went wonderful! The dr. felt the baby's head through my abdomen, which seemed a little weird to me, but this is all new to us. Poor Chris look at me like the dr. was killing me when he was pressing on my stomach, I really hope he doesn't pass out in the delivery room. LOL Will have to pray on that, I don't want to be alone with a passed out husband. The baby's heartbeat was in the 150's. The dr. tried several times to get the babies heartbeat, and he seemed like he was having some problems doing so, and that made me really nervous like something was wrong when I was lying there. He said nothing is wrong! Your baby just wont hold still long enough for me to get an exact heartbeat, and you Mrs. Deary have a hyper little baby in there! That made me smile & feell so relieved. Everything went great with the appt. Just need to keep praying.
12 Week Appt.
Well we just got home from our 12 week appt. and we got to hear that sweet sound of the Baby's heartbeat. It was 170. I loved listening to that sweet sound. I could listen to it all day, everyday. Things are seeming more real now. I gained 3 lbs this visit. I'm still praying that everything goes good, and for a positive mindset. The Dr. said baby is due December 22nd 2011, and that we can find out on Aug. 3rd if we're having a Girl or a Boy!
8 Week Ultrasound & Appt.
I'm not seeing a High Risk Doc, who is absolutely wonderful! Way better than the dr. we had before. Chris and I were waiting so impatiently for this appt. to see if everything was okay. So the last time I had an ultrasound, I was diagnosed with a Blighted Ovum, which is where everything develops in the sac and you have all the pregnancy symptoms & hormones, but the baby had problems developing and there was an empty sac. I was praying so hard that there would be a baby on the screen when we had the ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck. We get in there, and I'm nervous as can be and then the Ultrasound Tech (who totally didn't know our past history says "OH sorry guys there's only ONE baby in there, and there's the baby!! I looked at the screen and it was like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders, and we heard the babies heartbeat, it was magical. The heartbeat was 143. =) I totally couldn't have asked for a better day than this. I cried, I was so happy.
April 16, 2011
Christopher & I are expecting again! =) I feel like God has blessed us with the best Christmas gift of all. I don't need any presents this year, I just want to be able to hold my Baby, and rock him or her. I feel so thankful that we concieved a little baby. I'm just about speechless, and filled with so much happiness I'm not even sure what to do or say. I feel so numb from what the past four months have been like, I'm hoping that I can move past it, and concentrate on what I need to, because we've got a little sweetheart on the way. Just need to keep praying for positive thinking, & strength to get through the next nine months & have this baby.
Things you should not say to someone after they've experienced a Loss. . .
March 6, 2011
After someone has a Miscarriage, these are the things they don't want to hear, OR if they are experiencing fertility problems.
1. "Don't worry you guys will have one, when the time is right!"
2. "Just go home and have lots of fun trying again!"
3. "When god thinks your Readddddy for a baby, he'll give you one."
4. "Throw away your fertility books, and charts, and get a bottle of booze, that's how I had all my kids!"
5. (Week after) "So you're okay now right? Everythings cool???..."
6. "I had a miscarriage too, and trust me it will never get better."
My one that really got to me:
"Are you guys going to try again??"
me: Nope
"Well you guys should keep trying!! When the times right you'll have one, you just need to get some booze and relax!!"
me: Well let's see we've tried for an entire year & 2 months and if that doesn't seem long to your insensitive ass, that 14 cycles of having a period that the Pregnancy test was negative. Oh and we've had a Miscarriage in between all of that, and I'm not discussing anymore of my personal business w/you, because obviously you can't/and won't understand.
After someone has a Miscarriage, these are the things they don't want to hear, OR if they are experiencing fertility problems.
1. "Don't worry you guys will have one, when the time is right!"
2. "Just go home and have lots of fun trying again!"
3. "When god thinks your Readddddy for a baby, he'll give you one."
4. "Throw away your fertility books, and charts, and get a bottle of booze, that's how I had all my kids!"
5. (Week after) "So you're okay now right? Everythings cool???..."
6. "I had a miscarriage too, and trust me it will never get better."
My one that really got to me:
"Are you guys going to try again??"
me: Nope
"Well you guys should keep trying!! When the times right you'll have one, you just need to get some booze and relax!!"
me: Well let's see we've tried for an entire year & 2 months and if that doesn't seem long to your insensitive ass, that 14 cycles of having a period that the Pregnancy test was negative. Oh and we've had a Miscarriage in between all of that, and I'm not discussing anymore of my personal business w/you, because obviously you can't/and won't understand.
Not sure of date on this one.
I wasn't going to try and talk about this but in some way I think it helps to vent and talk it all out. At work, I called in for my Miscarriage (jan.10.), and my boss proceeded to tell everyone in the department why exactly I called in. NO ONE at work even knew I was pregnant, but now they sure all do.. I had flowers and a card on my desk when I got back to work. Which I proceeded to throw in the trash immediately. That would be cool for people to come up to my desk patients and such, oh you got flowers?? Then re-live it over and over, when I'm doing my damn best job holding it together like nothings wrong with me for 8 long hours. I had co-workers (the ones you can't stand...) come up to me and say "Yep, had me a miscarriage too, you'll get over it." "So did you have cramps??" Lots, and lots, of absolutely horrific questions asked to me. As if it wasn't horrible enough to go through this, have to go re-announce to all friends and family, then deal w/it 50 hrs a week at work............. I almost walked out and quit my job that day. Felt like getting in my car and just driving away, and never coming back. I was listening to a song on the radio today, and it said the best thing about hitting rock bottom is the only way you can go is up. I hope this is true, cause I definitely feel at the bottom.
03.03.11
March 3, 2011
These past couple months have been the pits. Trying to keep my head above water. Everywhere I go, Everything I see, babies, babies, babies. It drives me crazy. I feel emotionally & physically numb. I've gained 40lbs in the past two months. Basically all of the weight that I'd lost last year, I put on in two months. I guess that's what you get for laying in bed, and on the couch all day long. I haven't been eating anymore then I usually do, just stopped doing everything. Ignoring friends, & family. Putting on a front everytime I'm forced to see them.. Acting like everything is A okay, when it's not. I feel sorry for Chris having to put up with me. He seems to be better off than I am mentally with all of this, but I think it's harder for the Moms because we feel everything physically, and the men don't have that physical connection. We will see how things go, I really hope things get better.
These past couple months have been the pits. Trying to keep my head above water. Everywhere I go, Everything I see, babies, babies, babies. It drives me crazy. I feel emotionally & physically numb. I've gained 40lbs in the past two months. Basically all of the weight that I'd lost last year, I put on in two months. I guess that's what you get for laying in bed, and on the couch all day long. I haven't been eating anymore then I usually do, just stopped doing everything. Ignoring friends, & family. Putting on a front everytime I'm forced to see them.. Acting like everything is A okay, when it's not. I feel sorry for Chris having to put up with me. He seems to be better off than I am mentally with all of this, but I think it's harder for the Moms because we feel everything physically, and the men don't have that physical connection. We will see how things go, I really hope things get better.
Quote that has helped me..
An Angel in the book of life wrote down my Baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book "Too Beautiful for earth."
~Aug. 11, 2011
~Aug. 11, 2011
Worst day of my Life.
January 8th 2011
I took eight pregnancy tests that all turned out positive. We were so happy, and excited for a baby, we were in shock because it was almost a too good to be true sort of thing. We had been trying for a little while... During the 13 weeks of pregnancy, I had all of the signs, and symptoms of normal pregnancy... Body parts were changing. I felt bloated, my pants started to get tight.. I couldn't stay awake, exhausted, and tired all of the time, going to be as early as 7pm...
I had cramps the entire pregnancy, which terrified me because whenever I would research cramps online in early stages of pregnancy it all brought up "Miscarriages Signs & Symptoms." I was scared to death that it would turn out to be something like that, I more or less didn't press the issue with the doctor because I really didn't want to hear, and really wasn't ready to hear bad news. I also had read in certain research articles that it was normal to have cramps in early pregnancy.
I called my doctor's office twice, when the cramps were bad, and this was really early in the pregnancy, like 6 weeks. I was told by whoever answered the phone at the doctor's office that cramps were normal. I also had a few headaches off, and on throughout the 13 weeks too. Around week 9 I called the "ON-CALL" Doctor because it was after hours, and I talked to them about the cramps, and how I was feeling, and the doctor said I was okay, and what I was feeling was absolutely the way I should be, but if it gets to the point of being intolerable, I should go straight to the ER. After speaking with this doctor, I decided I needed to suck it up. Everyone says that being Pregnant & Childbirth is one of the most painful things that they've ever gone through, and that it was one of the hardest things they've ever gone through. I kind of just told myself that I was being super paranoid about something bad happening, and this being my first pregnancy, I figured it wasn't going to be a easy, so I should just listen to what the doctor's & nurses say and quit being such a wimp about it... I never ever should've doubted my gut, always is right even when you don't want it to be...
My mother in-law told me that she never knew career-wise what she wanted to do with her life, but then only thing she knew is that she wanted to be a Mother. My MIL graduated college, and has numerous different jobs, very educated woman, and said that she still doesn't know what she wants to do, but she's always known that being a mom is what she wanted to do, and I feel the same exact way.
I'm basically three classes away from being in RN clinicals. Worked as a Certified Nurse Assistant for 6 years, and now I'm basically doing Office Management work at my current job. I love it. I help Cancer patients while they're going through the worst possible time of their life, and if I can get a few extra smiles and laughs out of them, that they probably didn't think they were going to have that day, then every bit of my job is complete. All I can say about all of the roles that I've been in all the jobs over the years, is that I like helping people, and making them feel better and get some laughs & smiles out of them, and taking care of them when they need someone to do it for them, when they cannot.
I truly feel the exact same way that my MIL does. I will do different job roles my whole life, but having kids is what I'm passionate about. Things were not always rainbows and butterflies in my childhood growing up, but I know that my Dad & Mom love me something fierce, along with my brothers. Family. Having a family is just natural for me, I love being in a full house of chaos, it's all I've ever known and what I'm comfortable in. I know that being a Mom is what I want to be, and what I will be good at someday... I know that having a job, and being financially independent on my own with out anyone elses help is always something I have done for myself, and will always do for myself. I feel that this life we live in is way too short. I feel that I'm very blessed to still have my grandparents, both sets of parents, Chris's and mine. I feel like I just want to spend as much time as I possibly can with family, nothing is more important than family, and making a family for me. Make as much money, in as little days as possible, so that you can pay your debts, have some fun, and hang out with your family & friends. Play more, work less.
This past Saturday, Chris was watching the Colts Playoff game, and I was putzing around the house, because I can never sit down for very long, playing on the computer, that sort of night.. Just hanging out. I started to feel horrible, cramps, among other things.. I was on the phone with my Mom, kind of hinting around to ask her if some things that were happening to me were "Normal" during pregnancy, and the twist between her tone and worry/dread/uncomfortable to say what she really wanted to, she said "No.. Crystal that's not normal, and you probably should get a hold of the Doctor." I could tell from her voice, her being an RN, and also her personal experience with one Miscarriage, and one Molar Pregnancy, that that tone in her voice knew that this was going to turn out to be happy ending I was dreaming of.
During the entire pregnancy I was having cramps, which apparently the doctors said was normal? I went to the ER, and they admitted me to the floor right away. I was taken to a room, and they asked me to get undressed and into a gown. They did blood tests, took my vitals, and then the doctor "ON-CALL" (notice my normal doctor wasn't around the entire 13 weeks..) Not even a call to see how I was feeling, how things were going, NOTHING. This "ON-CALL" ObGyn doctor.. Dr. Ronko was like an Angel sent from heaven. Dr. Ronko was the nicest, most caring and sincere doc, and the most real doctor I've ever come across. Dr. Ronko was with me from start to finish. The Nurse came in the room, and told me that a C-Section was just about to start, and that it would be about 45 minutes before the doctor could come see me.
This all took place between the hours of 11pm-4am. Chris and I waited for the doctor to come in...
Waiting...Waiting...Waiting... FINALLY!
Two doctors came in, and a RN came into do an Ultrasound.. This is the part I was so excited about I couldn't stand it. I thought to myself, I wonder if they can print off a picture for me to take home, or let me take a picture with my cell phone so I could send everyone pictures of the baby. I just could not wait to see the baby for the first time. It's what I was daydreaming about since we found out. So they did a first type of Ultrasound, and the doctor told me that I was 13 weeks along. The Gestational Sac was developed fully, uterus, and all other parts were developed to the point of 13 weeks. They couldn't see the baby from doing the first type of ultrasound, so they did another type. I knew then that there wasn't a baby in there. I just didn't want to say anything to Chris or out loud to myself because some part of me still thought they would find it with the second type of ultrasound. The doctor did the second type of Ultrasound, and explained where all of the parts were: Placenta, Uterus, my bladder, etc. and she said "I'm not seeing a baby in your body Mrs. Deary." I seriously couldn't stop staring at the Ultrasound screen. I was in shock. EVERY other part developed to "13 week status" except a baby? What a cruel joke I felt was being played on me. I could not believe my eyes, just an empty sac...
(The worst part about it was that after I told everyone and started reading the books, and it was starting to feel comfortable, and more real to me, I just had a gut feeling that something was wrong with the baby, I tried talking to the baby on my way home from work one day, and deep down I knew I felt like I was just having a conversation with myself. I forced the conversation due to I felt like a horrible person thinking that there wasn't a baby in there. I kept talking, just to try to keep it real, but deep down I just knew I was talking to myself...)
I absolutely lost it. Then the doctor asked if they could take some samples, and explained that 1 out of every 6 pregnancies end in Miscarriage. I thought to myself well at least five other moms had a happy ending. Then the doctor talked about Miscarriage for a long while. Then told me that I would have to wait until Monday for D & C Surgery, because I wasn't "Far enough into the Miscarriage" whatever that's suppose to mean. So on Saturday night, Chris and I drove home around 4:30/5ish am. That was a very long, hard, emotional 45 minute ride home from the hospital. Go into the hospital "Pregnant," come out "Not Pregnant." and no baby to bring home..
Earlier that day I went to the store and got about 100 baby hangers, and a huge bag of Unisex Baby Clothes all for $10.00. I had all the clothes laid out from showing Chris them, had about twelve "Baby Books" laying everywhere, Fit Pregnancy magazines all over, upstairs I have half a closet full of Baby Clothes & toys, rattles, bibs, socks, sleds, and we started tearing that room up to fix up for the Baby. Haven't gone in there yet, I shut the door, and I'm ignoring the Elephant that very blatently lurking around every corner in this house.
On Sunday, I threw the baby books in a drawer that I never open, the clothes are in another drawer in this buffett table I have in the Dining Room. I'm on Morphine and Vicodin right now, so if this whole thing sounds like a five year old wrote it you know why. I basically hid everything in the house that's baby stuff, but I still haven't gone in that room.. I don't want to deal with that yet. My eyes and face are completely raw, and red, to the point that it's very painful to even try to touch it with Kleenex, from crying. The doctor told me that I wasn't far enough into the Miscarriage (Even though there wasn't even a fetus in me to call it an Emergency Procedure.) On Sunday, I had the miscarriage at home, which I would never wish upon anyone. BUT! The doctor knows best. "I wasn't far enough into it yet." Well sure I was that's why I went home, and had half of it here.
I was told Monday (today.) I would get a call at 8am to be told what time my surgery was. It turned out being 11am. Chris and I went to the hospital at 11am, and I got the IV in, and went through all the paperwork, was given anestectics, they didn't want to knock me completely out, and I basically told them... You better give me the best anestectics you have, this is so far the worst day in my life, and I want to remember nothing. Once when I was waking up from a previous procedure in the past I heard myself not breathing, and having an asthma attack in my sleep, so I was really worried about it happening again. The Anesteshiologist knocked me completely out, I think he in a way knew my wishes of what I wanted, and he did a great job..
I woke up in Recovery by a Nurse who shouted in my face, scared me so bad I started crying, then I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, and she yelled at me to not touch my face, because I'd scratch myself. I think I also kept crying, because I realized I was completely not pregnant anymore, and it all started to seem more real. Alls I wanted to do was wipe my eyes, but apparently its illegal in Recovery. This nurse was terrible. Wonderful thing to hear from your nurse waking up. If I would've been able to talk right, I would've told the witch I'm sorry my miscarriage was an inconvience for your work day! My Oxygen level was 55,60% for about 50 minutes.. When it's suppose to be 92-100% and she told me she had to leave me to go help another RN, who's patient needed more help, I overheard Hysterectomy, I overheard her sugar was dropping. Since I knew what all of my vitals were I knew my Oxygen level was horrible. Usually people who keep stats like that get put on Oxygen. It's an indescribable feeling knowing that you're alone, your oxygen level is horrible, your chest, lungs, and face are completely numb.I couldn't as much as I tried take deeper breaths, it's too hard when you can't feel any of your parts that make you take deeper breaths to try to force yourself to do it. After an hour my Oxygen level started to rise. My nurse that had me in Pre-Op took over for the other nurse. I really loved my Pre-Op nurse, she was like an Angel. I think she knew my O2 stat was bad, and no one was paying attention to me so she intervened, actually just took all of the nurses paperwork, and told her she was done here. I think God sent her to look over me, and she did. This nurse actually wheeled me back into Pre-Op and apologized for the previous nurses actions. When I was laying there wondering if I was going to stop breathing, I overheard the "Bad" nurse complaining about the "Add-On's" that day. Which I was definitely one of them. If I wasn't so exhausted, and I was whispering because I was just that tired. I would've told that crappy nurse "I'm sorry I didn't plan my Miscarriage, and schedule it with your department accordingly so you wouldn't have any extra patients today. Sorry for the inconvience bitch." This nurse only had one other patient besides me, god forbid she have more than one patient. I wish I was feeling more like myself, because I really would've gave her a piece of my mind, which I have no problem doing which anyone who knows me, knows this. If any nurses read this I hope that they realize yeah...you may have an extra patient today, and you may have more work, and be late to lunch, but how about me? How about the fact that I just lost my first kid? How about the fact that I already told everyone and their brother, because I was just that damn excited and now I have to keep re-living my nightmare while re-telling all of them "Oh guess what were not expecting a baby anymore.. I was just kidding before.." How about people see where other people are coming from, and for once think about what their going to say before they say it. I work for the hospital, and I know that they shove way to many patients onto the staff, and that Nurse's attitude was a reflection of how they staff their hospital.
I was reunited with Chris, I can't imagine the conversation that took place with morphine running through these veins. I felt bad for Chris dealing with me all doped up on that. I'm still pretty doped up. I've been on Morphine during the day, and I'm taking Vicodin right now. I don't mind being numb right now, I actually perfer the numbness and zoning out, instead of to be thinking or doing anything. I'm now home, I'm not hungry, not thirsty, not tired, not sore, pretty much just nothing, and feeling numb.
I have a lot of things running through my mind, and none of them are good things. For instance, why is it that a 9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16 yr old little girls can get pregnant have a healthy baby? Why is it that women who can't provide for children have healthy babies, and know nothing else but that? Why is it that you hear of mothers & fathers beat, molest, kill, etc. to newborn babies/children and they still have healthy ones? or plain and simple get pregnant, and have the babies? I'm not saying I wish anything that's happened to me on anyone else but where is the justice in these situations that I've mentioned and what happened to me?
I have a job where I can alone provide for a baby, provide the best heath care insurance for a baby, I want to pay for my baby's college, wedding, grand-children... Chris has a job that can do all of the same. We have a four bedroom, 2000sq ft. house, we could have 3 kids, and each would have their own seperate bedroom, and there would be plenty of space, fenced in backyard, 5 Star school system, clubhouse, pool, tennis, basketball courts, three playgrounds, and all the neighborhood kids you could imagine for them to make friends with. Endless love, Faith, parenting skills, roof, food, toys galore, I could provide for a baby, and then this happens. I believe that besides everything else they took on that operating table they also took a huge piece of my heart that I can never get back..
I've had plenty of time to think, because I basically am on bedrest right now. When the Doctor told Chris and I, that 1 out of 6 women have miscarriages... I have to say that at least I have a husband who adores me, treats me like a queen everyday, takes excellent care of me, and who was with me 100% of the way. At least we both had each other.. If I didn't have him throughout this experience, and was single or something I truly don't know how I'd get through it. As absolutely horrible as it is to say, I'll say it anyway. At least it happened to Chris and I because I know that together, we will make it through this terrible hardship that has happened to us.
He has been my rock, giving me 100% of his attention, because he wants too, not because he has too. God put him on earth just for me, for numerous reasons, too many to even list, and even if it just ends up being Chris and I, for the rest of our lives I will be happy. I'm not so sure I can even try any of this again, because of how I feel right now. I honestly think I can't chance going through this again.
Chris is such a good of a man he has been to me, and how happy he makes me, and how he makes me laugh so much that I have laugh lines at age 25... There's truly not even enough words to express how he has been throughout this entire process..
Right now I feel: Cheated, Sad, Shocked, Angry, Emotionally drained, Exhausted, Disappointed, Embarassed, Depressed, and Numb.
Mainly I just numb. Just sitting around with the whole world still moving around me, and no desire too do anything, go anywhere, just sitting here in pain.
Actually, the craziest & best part of this entire experience is (and this is sad that it's the "Best" part of the weekend...)that while I was under sedation in the operating room. Even if some people may think I've gone insane which really is quite possible after the weekend Christopher and I've had.
I had a dream that Chris and I had a girl. It wasn't like I gave birth to her it was like.... I just got to see her. She was laying in the clouds, the sun was shining, and she was absolutely adorable. Thick brown hair, big beautiful brown eyes, heart shaped face, beautiful complexion, wearing a lavender flower outfit, and smiling, and so, so, SO beautiful..
::Minutes later.::
Then I woke up into this nightmare called reality.
*Fake smile*
I will be better someday....
not today..
not tomorrow...
Someday. . .
I took eight pregnancy tests that all turned out positive. We were so happy, and excited for a baby, we were in shock because it was almost a too good to be true sort of thing. We had been trying for a little while... During the 13 weeks of pregnancy, I had all of the signs, and symptoms of normal pregnancy... Body parts were changing. I felt bloated, my pants started to get tight.. I couldn't stay awake, exhausted, and tired all of the time, going to be as early as 7pm...
I had cramps the entire pregnancy, which terrified me because whenever I would research cramps online in early stages of pregnancy it all brought up "Miscarriages Signs & Symptoms." I was scared to death that it would turn out to be something like that, I more or less didn't press the issue with the doctor because I really didn't want to hear, and really wasn't ready to hear bad news. I also had read in certain research articles that it was normal to have cramps in early pregnancy.
I called my doctor's office twice, when the cramps were bad, and this was really early in the pregnancy, like 6 weeks. I was told by whoever answered the phone at the doctor's office that cramps were normal. I also had a few headaches off, and on throughout the 13 weeks too. Around week 9 I called the "ON-CALL" Doctor because it was after hours, and I talked to them about the cramps, and how I was feeling, and the doctor said I was okay, and what I was feeling was absolutely the way I should be, but if it gets to the point of being intolerable, I should go straight to the ER. After speaking with this doctor, I decided I needed to suck it up. Everyone says that being Pregnant & Childbirth is one of the most painful things that they've ever gone through, and that it was one of the hardest things they've ever gone through. I kind of just told myself that I was being super paranoid about something bad happening, and this being my first pregnancy, I figured it wasn't going to be a easy, so I should just listen to what the doctor's & nurses say and quit being such a wimp about it... I never ever should've doubted my gut, always is right even when you don't want it to be...
My mother in-law told me that she never knew career-wise what she wanted to do with her life, but then only thing she knew is that she wanted to be a Mother. My MIL graduated college, and has numerous different jobs, very educated woman, and said that she still doesn't know what she wants to do, but she's always known that being a mom is what she wanted to do, and I feel the same exact way.
I'm basically three classes away from being in RN clinicals. Worked as a Certified Nurse Assistant for 6 years, and now I'm basically doing Office Management work at my current job. I love it. I help Cancer patients while they're going through the worst possible time of their life, and if I can get a few extra smiles and laughs out of them, that they probably didn't think they were going to have that day, then every bit of my job is complete. All I can say about all of the roles that I've been in all the jobs over the years, is that I like helping people, and making them feel better and get some laughs & smiles out of them, and taking care of them when they need someone to do it for them, when they cannot.
I truly feel the exact same way that my MIL does. I will do different job roles my whole life, but having kids is what I'm passionate about. Things were not always rainbows and butterflies in my childhood growing up, but I know that my Dad & Mom love me something fierce, along with my brothers. Family. Having a family is just natural for me, I love being in a full house of chaos, it's all I've ever known and what I'm comfortable in. I know that being a Mom is what I want to be, and what I will be good at someday... I know that having a job, and being financially independent on my own with out anyone elses help is always something I have done for myself, and will always do for myself. I feel that this life we live in is way too short. I feel that I'm very blessed to still have my grandparents, both sets of parents, Chris's and mine. I feel like I just want to spend as much time as I possibly can with family, nothing is more important than family, and making a family for me. Make as much money, in as little days as possible, so that you can pay your debts, have some fun, and hang out with your family & friends. Play more, work less.
This past Saturday, Chris was watching the Colts Playoff game, and I was putzing around the house, because I can never sit down for very long, playing on the computer, that sort of night.. Just hanging out. I started to feel horrible, cramps, among other things.. I was on the phone with my Mom, kind of hinting around to ask her if some things that were happening to me were "Normal" during pregnancy, and the twist between her tone and worry/dread/uncomfortable to say what she really wanted to, she said "No.. Crystal that's not normal, and you probably should get a hold of the Doctor." I could tell from her voice, her being an RN, and also her personal experience with one Miscarriage, and one Molar Pregnancy, that that tone in her voice knew that this was going to turn out to be happy ending I was dreaming of.
During the entire pregnancy I was having cramps, which apparently the doctors said was normal? I went to the ER, and they admitted me to the floor right away. I was taken to a room, and they asked me to get undressed and into a gown. They did blood tests, took my vitals, and then the doctor "ON-CALL" (notice my normal doctor wasn't around the entire 13 weeks..) Not even a call to see how I was feeling, how things were going, NOTHING. This "ON-CALL" ObGyn doctor.. Dr. Ronko was like an Angel sent from heaven. Dr. Ronko was the nicest, most caring and sincere doc, and the most real doctor I've ever come across. Dr. Ronko was with me from start to finish. The Nurse came in the room, and told me that a C-Section was just about to start, and that it would be about 45 minutes before the doctor could come see me.
This all took place between the hours of 11pm-4am. Chris and I waited for the doctor to come in...
Waiting...Waiting...Waiting... FINALLY!
Two doctors came in, and a RN came into do an Ultrasound.. This is the part I was so excited about I couldn't stand it. I thought to myself, I wonder if they can print off a picture for me to take home, or let me take a picture with my cell phone so I could send everyone pictures of the baby. I just could not wait to see the baby for the first time. It's what I was daydreaming about since we found out. So they did a first type of Ultrasound, and the doctor told me that I was 13 weeks along. The Gestational Sac was developed fully, uterus, and all other parts were developed to the point of 13 weeks. They couldn't see the baby from doing the first type of ultrasound, so they did another type. I knew then that there wasn't a baby in there. I just didn't want to say anything to Chris or out loud to myself because some part of me still thought they would find it with the second type of ultrasound. The doctor did the second type of Ultrasound, and explained where all of the parts were: Placenta, Uterus, my bladder, etc. and she said "I'm not seeing a baby in your body Mrs. Deary." I seriously couldn't stop staring at the Ultrasound screen. I was in shock. EVERY other part developed to "13 week status" except a baby? What a cruel joke I felt was being played on me. I could not believe my eyes, just an empty sac...
(The worst part about it was that after I told everyone and started reading the books, and it was starting to feel comfortable, and more real to me, I just had a gut feeling that something was wrong with the baby, I tried talking to the baby on my way home from work one day, and deep down I knew I felt like I was just having a conversation with myself. I forced the conversation due to I felt like a horrible person thinking that there wasn't a baby in there. I kept talking, just to try to keep it real, but deep down I just knew I was talking to myself...)
I absolutely lost it. Then the doctor asked if they could take some samples, and explained that 1 out of every 6 pregnancies end in Miscarriage. I thought to myself well at least five other moms had a happy ending. Then the doctor talked about Miscarriage for a long while. Then told me that I would have to wait until Monday for D & C Surgery, because I wasn't "Far enough into the Miscarriage" whatever that's suppose to mean. So on Saturday night, Chris and I drove home around 4:30/5ish am. That was a very long, hard, emotional 45 minute ride home from the hospital. Go into the hospital "Pregnant," come out "Not Pregnant." and no baby to bring home..
Earlier that day I went to the store and got about 100 baby hangers, and a huge bag of Unisex Baby Clothes all for $10.00. I had all the clothes laid out from showing Chris them, had about twelve "Baby Books" laying everywhere, Fit Pregnancy magazines all over, upstairs I have half a closet full of Baby Clothes & toys, rattles, bibs, socks, sleds, and we started tearing that room up to fix up for the Baby. Haven't gone in there yet, I shut the door, and I'm ignoring the Elephant that very blatently lurking around every corner in this house.
On Sunday, I threw the baby books in a drawer that I never open, the clothes are in another drawer in this buffett table I have in the Dining Room. I'm on Morphine and Vicodin right now, so if this whole thing sounds like a five year old wrote it you know why. I basically hid everything in the house that's baby stuff, but I still haven't gone in that room.. I don't want to deal with that yet. My eyes and face are completely raw, and red, to the point that it's very painful to even try to touch it with Kleenex, from crying. The doctor told me that I wasn't far enough into the Miscarriage (Even though there wasn't even a fetus in me to call it an Emergency Procedure.) On Sunday, I had the miscarriage at home, which I would never wish upon anyone. BUT! The doctor knows best. "I wasn't far enough into it yet." Well sure I was that's why I went home, and had half of it here.
I was told Monday (today.) I would get a call at 8am to be told what time my surgery was. It turned out being 11am. Chris and I went to the hospital at 11am, and I got the IV in, and went through all the paperwork, was given anestectics, they didn't want to knock me completely out, and I basically told them... You better give me the best anestectics you have, this is so far the worst day in my life, and I want to remember nothing. Once when I was waking up from a previous procedure in the past I heard myself not breathing, and having an asthma attack in my sleep, so I was really worried about it happening again. The Anesteshiologist knocked me completely out, I think he in a way knew my wishes of what I wanted, and he did a great job..
I woke up in Recovery by a Nurse who shouted in my face, scared me so bad I started crying, then I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, and she yelled at me to not touch my face, because I'd scratch myself. I think I also kept crying, because I realized I was completely not pregnant anymore, and it all started to seem more real. Alls I wanted to do was wipe my eyes, but apparently its illegal in Recovery. This nurse was terrible. Wonderful thing to hear from your nurse waking up. If I would've been able to talk right, I would've told the witch I'm sorry my miscarriage was an inconvience for your work day! My Oxygen level was 55,60% for about 50 minutes.. When it's suppose to be 92-100% and she told me she had to leave me to go help another RN, who's patient needed more help, I overheard Hysterectomy, I overheard her sugar was dropping. Since I knew what all of my vitals were I knew my Oxygen level was horrible. Usually people who keep stats like that get put on Oxygen. It's an indescribable feeling knowing that you're alone, your oxygen level is horrible, your chest, lungs, and face are completely numb.I couldn't as much as I tried take deeper breaths, it's too hard when you can't feel any of your parts that make you take deeper breaths to try to force yourself to do it. After an hour my Oxygen level started to rise. My nurse that had me in Pre-Op took over for the other nurse. I really loved my Pre-Op nurse, she was like an Angel. I think she knew my O2 stat was bad, and no one was paying attention to me so she intervened, actually just took all of the nurses paperwork, and told her she was done here. I think God sent her to look over me, and she did. This nurse actually wheeled me back into Pre-Op and apologized for the previous nurses actions. When I was laying there wondering if I was going to stop breathing, I overheard the "Bad" nurse complaining about the "Add-On's" that day. Which I was definitely one of them. If I wasn't so exhausted, and I was whispering because I was just that tired. I would've told that crappy nurse "I'm sorry I didn't plan my Miscarriage, and schedule it with your department accordingly so you wouldn't have any extra patients today. Sorry for the inconvience bitch." This nurse only had one other patient besides me, god forbid she have more than one patient. I wish I was feeling more like myself, because I really would've gave her a piece of my mind, which I have no problem doing which anyone who knows me, knows this. If any nurses read this I hope that they realize yeah...you may have an extra patient today, and you may have more work, and be late to lunch, but how about me? How about the fact that I just lost my first kid? How about the fact that I already told everyone and their brother, because I was just that damn excited and now I have to keep re-living my nightmare while re-telling all of them "Oh guess what were not expecting a baby anymore.. I was just kidding before.." How about people see where other people are coming from, and for once think about what their going to say before they say it. I work for the hospital, and I know that they shove way to many patients onto the staff, and that Nurse's attitude was a reflection of how they staff their hospital.
I was reunited with Chris, I can't imagine the conversation that took place with morphine running through these veins. I felt bad for Chris dealing with me all doped up on that. I'm still pretty doped up. I've been on Morphine during the day, and I'm taking Vicodin right now. I don't mind being numb right now, I actually perfer the numbness and zoning out, instead of to be thinking or doing anything. I'm now home, I'm not hungry, not thirsty, not tired, not sore, pretty much just nothing, and feeling numb.
I have a lot of things running through my mind, and none of them are good things. For instance, why is it that a 9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16 yr old little girls can get pregnant have a healthy baby? Why is it that women who can't provide for children have healthy babies, and know nothing else but that? Why is it that you hear of mothers & fathers beat, molest, kill, etc. to newborn babies/children and they still have healthy ones? or plain and simple get pregnant, and have the babies? I'm not saying I wish anything that's happened to me on anyone else but where is the justice in these situations that I've mentioned and what happened to me?
I have a job where I can alone provide for a baby, provide the best heath care insurance for a baby, I want to pay for my baby's college, wedding, grand-children... Chris has a job that can do all of the same. We have a four bedroom, 2000sq ft. house, we could have 3 kids, and each would have their own seperate bedroom, and there would be plenty of space, fenced in backyard, 5 Star school system, clubhouse, pool, tennis, basketball courts, three playgrounds, and all the neighborhood kids you could imagine for them to make friends with. Endless love, Faith, parenting skills, roof, food, toys galore, I could provide for a baby, and then this happens. I believe that besides everything else they took on that operating table they also took a huge piece of my heart that I can never get back..
I've had plenty of time to think, because I basically am on bedrest right now. When the Doctor told Chris and I, that 1 out of 6 women have miscarriages... I have to say that at least I have a husband who adores me, treats me like a queen everyday, takes excellent care of me, and who was with me 100% of the way. At least we both had each other.. If I didn't have him throughout this experience, and was single or something I truly don't know how I'd get through it. As absolutely horrible as it is to say, I'll say it anyway. At least it happened to Chris and I because I know that together, we will make it through this terrible hardship that has happened to us.
He has been my rock, giving me 100% of his attention, because he wants too, not because he has too. God put him on earth just for me, for numerous reasons, too many to even list, and even if it just ends up being Chris and I, for the rest of our lives I will be happy. I'm not so sure I can even try any of this again, because of how I feel right now. I honestly think I can't chance going through this again.
Chris is such a good of a man he has been to me, and how happy he makes me, and how he makes me laugh so much that I have laugh lines at age 25... There's truly not even enough words to express how he has been throughout this entire process..
Right now I feel: Cheated, Sad, Shocked, Angry, Emotionally drained, Exhausted, Disappointed, Embarassed, Depressed, and Numb.
Mainly I just numb. Just sitting around with the whole world still moving around me, and no desire too do anything, go anywhere, just sitting here in pain.
Actually, the craziest & best part of this entire experience is (and this is sad that it's the "Best" part of the weekend...)that while I was under sedation in the operating room. Even if some people may think I've gone insane which really is quite possible after the weekend Christopher and I've had.
I had a dream that Chris and I had a girl. It wasn't like I gave birth to her it was like.... I just got to see her. She was laying in the clouds, the sun was shining, and she was absolutely adorable. Thick brown hair, big beautiful brown eyes, heart shaped face, beautiful complexion, wearing a lavender flower outfit, and smiling, and so, so, SO beautiful..
::Minutes later.::
Then I woke up into this nightmare called reality.
*Fake smile*
I will be better someday....
not today..
not tomorrow...
Someday. . .
My writings about our first baby.
(((I was going to take all of this off, but I have now decided that I'm going to keep it on.. I've done a lot of thinking about everything in this life this past year, & decided that after the fact I should not be embarrassed or ashamed of what happened to us, it's all apart of life. This is part of my healing process. I'll keep this on my blog in memory of our first little baby we were suppose to have August 11, 2011.)))
December 6th, 2010
About 3 hours ago, I just found out... I'm Pregnant! I'm Pregnant... I'm Pregnant! I'm Pregnant!!! Somebody pinch me! I have about a million and one things running through my head right now. I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm shocked, I'm scared. I cannot believe we're actually going to have a baby!
When we found out:
Chris and I, have been trying to get pregnant for four months. For the past week I've felt like super anxious-- somewhat I feel like I've had the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I told Chris that I thought I was pregnant, because of how different I've felt lately, very hard to explain but I just feel different. I guess I sort of just knew I was, and tonight the seven tests that I took........ (I was/still am in shock.) confirmed that they all happened to be POSITIVE!
I laughed, I cried tears of joy, I was/am completely shocked, and I'm so very nervous. When I found out and told Christopher, he got the biggest smile I have ever seen in my life. He is beyond happy, and very much in shock. Haha. He is wondering how he will go to work, and be around family without spilling the great news. His smile may just give it away. My due date is August 14th, 2011. By this time next year, Christopher and I will have a 16 week old baby! How crazy is that? I have so many emotions running through me right now. Out of all of the emotions I'm having, the one that I feel the most is blessed & thankful.
I'm so excited, I can't stand it.
12-11-2010
Well, tonight we had Grandpa & Grandma Deary over for dinner... We made a slideshow of pictures of us, and also of the pregnancy test that said "Pregnant." (You know one of the EIGHT tests that I took....) hahaaha. Well you never can be too sure I suppose. ; ) So all of us were standing in the kitchen while Christopher and I were finishing up dinner.. Pat saw the slideshow/screensaver deal playing on the computer and I was about dying so nervous to tell them. (Hot flashes, heart beating about 1 million times per minute..) Anyway the picture of the pregnancy test popped up that said "PREGNANT!" and Pat looked really close and said "Really?? Really?! Then Alison, and Pat, and Chris, and I were all so excited! Pat and Alison cried, and Chris and I felt a million times better telling them. They were so excited. : )! We had such an awesome night just celebrating, and talking about the baby, and stories of parenting. Good times. :) I'm so, so, so excited I can hardly stand it about everything. All I do is smile all day because I'm so happy. I wish I could tell everyone!!!! We really just want it to be in person. It's hard being so far away from everyone but I feel it's very important that we do tell everyone face to face and not via phone, internet, or skype. Those are all so tempting, and I've thought about it a million times but have to resist. I sit and think to myself... Okay I can tell most of my family on Skype...... or......resist. I've always been awful at keeping secrets. Even when it comes down to buying Chris his birthday present... I try to say to him "Want a hint???!" "Don't you want to know what it is???!" He always replies "No, honey. I CAN wait." It just kills me that he doesn't need a hint or need to know! Well, seeing that I cannot stay awake past 9pm lately it's time to sleep. I'm exhausted, pretty much all day, everyday. Last night I went to bed at 7pm, and slept until 7am this morning. Then around 3 or 4pm I was like hmm. I wonder if I can squeeze a nap in before Pat & Alison get here. . . I never nap... EVER! It's so weird. Maybe I will wake up in the second trimester of this pregnancy. I hope so.. I feel like I have a lot of things to do, to think about, and all I'm up for is a nap! ZZzzzzZzzzzZzzzzZzZZZzz...... :) One sleepy, happy, momma-to-be, that's for sure!
01/01/2011
It's the first of the year. Day One. Fresh start.
I made the following resolutions last year: Lose weight/eat healthier. . . I......LOST 55lbs, and I'm definitely making it a constant choice to eat healthier everyday. Not just to eat healthy, but to BE healthy. I also made resolutions of: Running a 5K, I ended up running 2 5K's, and one 7K. I very much enjoy the atomsphere of positive people and everyone's positive energy that it turns addicting. I decided that races will always be a part of my life. It's something that keeps me motivated, and I love it. If we don't have our good health, we have nothing, so why not do everything in your power to perserve it the best it can be? I'm pregnant, I want this to be the epideme of a Fit Pregnancy, and a Healthy eating pregnancy. I want to know that I've done everything in my power to make sure I'm doing everything the right way. I've debated joining a gym recently.. I think I've finally decided that I have enough equiptment at home, and enough tools to stay fit & healthy here. I have a weight bench, weights, tread mill, eliptical, workout dvd's, etc. I love my workout dvds, that's what I did to lose the 55lbs over the past year. I'm going to sign up for some more races this Spring & Summer before the baby is here. The last race that we did was the "Drumstick Dash" on Thanksgiving in November, and it's just too cold in November to do a race for me. I'm more of a Spring and Summer race girl. I plan on getting a jogging stroller, and taking the baby to 5K races and walks. At some of the races I've done over the past year, the moms have to go in the back with their jogging strollers and then when the race starts they all take off and how awesome is it that some of the moms are passing people younger then they are, or even the fact that they just had a baby, and they are passing people who aren't pushing a stroller? What an awesome role model to your child then to be showing them how important their health is.
01-01-2011
I'm 10 weeks along now. I'm so tired ALL the time. I can really tell how tired I am, because I never took naps before and lately they seem like the best thing in the world. I have so many things to do, but all I want to do is sleep. I was reading about how exhausting the First Trimester is, and I've read and talked to other moms who said that they basically slept through their first Trimester. I'm looking forward to whenever I get my energy back, and I'm not so tired. Maybe I will get that back in twenty some years?... hehe. Two more weeks until I'm in my second trimester. I've read that that's when you stop going to the bathroom so much, and you're not as tired as you are in the first semester so bring it ON! Looking forward to it. Tonight I washed my first load of Baby Clothes, and hung them up on hangers. They're so cute. I can't wait to see our baby wearing them. Right now Chris has the carpet ripped up in the Nursery, because he put a ceilling fan in the Living room. The Ceiling fan is up, and working.. Now we just need to put the carpet back, and start working on the Nursery. Chris said he's going to fix the seals on the window in the nursery.. Then I need to start thinking about what color I want to paint the Nursery. We are going to paint it, maybe have some murals, or designs, painted on the walls. We also are going to remodel the closet, and put some storage shelves in there. We are still deciding if we are going to put any flooring in the baby's room or if we are going to wait and put Hardwood floors down. Our goal is to eventually put hardwood throughout the entire upstairs, but we may just replace the carpet in there for now, not sure what we're doing with that obviously so we'll just wait and see. I'm so excited to design the Nursery. I want it to be neutral. We haven't quite decided if we're going to find out the sex of the baby, so I would like it to work either way. I love oranges, yellows, greens, and blues.. I'm not into the whole if it's a boy it MUST wear blue/ if it's a girl it must wear Pink deal. I'm more of a neutral/earth tone person. We have a ton of other projects that we'd like to do before the baby gets here, but if they aren't finished before, oh well. :) This is our list of things we are going to try and do before the baba gets here: Clean & Organize our garage and make a huge delivery to Goodwill. We both have stuff from High school/etc. that we don't use, and probably never will that we need to just get rid of so we can make room for storage if we need it, and I'm sure we will. Next we're moving our Washer and Dryer from the Pantry downstairs, to the Storage/Furnace room upstairs. That will be awesome to have the Washer and Dryer upstairs so we don't have to carry all of our laundry downstairs, just to carry it and put it back upstairs. I can't wait for this little project to get done. I of course have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do in all of our cubboards and closets, but I will get it done before. We have some touch up painting to do downstairs.. Then the next project is our hallway, we painted it concord ivory to match our dining room and the colors are completely different so it looks really bad next to each other. It's like comparing a bold, darker, yellow, to a super bright lemon yellow. The baby's room was our guest bedroom. We moved the guest bedroom into the workout room. We decided that we want to move it again. We're going to move the Guest bedroom to the Office, and move the office to the room where we have the guest bed right now. We're going to try and paint the whole upstairs before the baby comes. All of the rooms need to be painted.. Then our guest bathroom is going to turn into the Baby's Bathroom, and we're going to paint it in the same theme as the Nursery. We have a lot to do before the baby gets here, but I know we will get it done.
December 6th, 2010
About 3 hours ago, I just found out... I'm Pregnant! I'm Pregnant... I'm Pregnant! I'm Pregnant!!! Somebody pinch me! I have about a million and one things running through my head right now. I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm shocked, I'm scared. I cannot believe we're actually going to have a baby!
When we found out:
Chris and I, have been trying to get pregnant for four months. For the past week I've felt like super anxious-- somewhat I feel like I've had the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I told Chris that I thought I was pregnant, because of how different I've felt lately, very hard to explain but I just feel different. I guess I sort of just knew I was, and tonight the seven tests that I took........ (I was/still am in shock.) confirmed that they all happened to be POSITIVE!
I laughed, I cried tears of joy, I was/am completely shocked, and I'm so very nervous. When I found out and told Christopher, he got the biggest smile I have ever seen in my life. He is beyond happy, and very much in shock. Haha. He is wondering how he will go to work, and be around family without spilling the great news. His smile may just give it away. My due date is August 14th, 2011. By this time next year, Christopher and I will have a 16 week old baby! How crazy is that? I have so many emotions running through me right now. Out of all of the emotions I'm having, the one that I feel the most is blessed & thankful.
I'm so excited, I can't stand it.
12-11-2010
Well, tonight we had Grandpa & Grandma Deary over for dinner... We made a slideshow of pictures of us, and also of the pregnancy test that said "Pregnant." (You know one of the EIGHT tests that I took....) hahaaha. Well you never can be too sure I suppose. ; ) So all of us were standing in the kitchen while Christopher and I were finishing up dinner.. Pat saw the slideshow/screensaver deal playing on the computer and I was about dying so nervous to tell them. (Hot flashes, heart beating about 1 million times per minute..) Anyway the picture of the pregnancy test popped up that said "PREGNANT!" and Pat looked really close and said "Really?? Really?! Then Alison, and Pat, and Chris, and I were all so excited! Pat and Alison cried, and Chris and I felt a million times better telling them. They were so excited. : )! We had such an awesome night just celebrating, and talking about the baby, and stories of parenting. Good times. :) I'm so, so, so excited I can hardly stand it about everything. All I do is smile all day because I'm so happy. I wish I could tell everyone!!!! We really just want it to be in person. It's hard being so far away from everyone but I feel it's very important that we do tell everyone face to face and not via phone, internet, or skype. Those are all so tempting, and I've thought about it a million times but have to resist. I sit and think to myself... Okay I can tell most of my family on Skype...... or......resist. I've always been awful at keeping secrets. Even when it comes down to buying Chris his birthday present... I try to say to him "Want a hint???!" "Don't you want to know what it is???!" He always replies "No, honey. I CAN wait." It just kills me that he doesn't need a hint or need to know! Well, seeing that I cannot stay awake past 9pm lately it's time to sleep. I'm exhausted, pretty much all day, everyday. Last night I went to bed at 7pm, and slept until 7am this morning. Then around 3 or 4pm I was like hmm. I wonder if I can squeeze a nap in before Pat & Alison get here. . . I never nap... EVER! It's so weird. Maybe I will wake up in the second trimester of this pregnancy. I hope so.. I feel like I have a lot of things to do, to think about, and all I'm up for is a nap! ZZzzzzZzzzzZzzzzZzZZZzz...... :) One sleepy, happy, momma-to-be, that's for sure!
01/01/2011
It's the first of the year. Day One. Fresh start.
I made the following resolutions last year: Lose weight/eat healthier. . . I......LOST 55lbs, and I'm definitely making it a constant choice to eat healthier everyday. Not just to eat healthy, but to BE healthy. I also made resolutions of: Running a 5K, I ended up running 2 5K's, and one 7K. I very much enjoy the atomsphere of positive people and everyone's positive energy that it turns addicting. I decided that races will always be a part of my life. It's something that keeps me motivated, and I love it. If we don't have our good health, we have nothing, so why not do everything in your power to perserve it the best it can be? I'm pregnant, I want this to be the epideme of a Fit Pregnancy, and a Healthy eating pregnancy. I want to know that I've done everything in my power to make sure I'm doing everything the right way. I've debated joining a gym recently.. I think I've finally decided that I have enough equiptment at home, and enough tools to stay fit & healthy here. I have a weight bench, weights, tread mill, eliptical, workout dvd's, etc. I love my workout dvds, that's what I did to lose the 55lbs over the past year. I'm going to sign up for some more races this Spring & Summer before the baby is here. The last race that we did was the "Drumstick Dash" on Thanksgiving in November, and it's just too cold in November to do a race for me. I'm more of a Spring and Summer race girl. I plan on getting a jogging stroller, and taking the baby to 5K races and walks. At some of the races I've done over the past year, the moms have to go in the back with their jogging strollers and then when the race starts they all take off and how awesome is it that some of the moms are passing people younger then they are, or even the fact that they just had a baby, and they are passing people who aren't pushing a stroller? What an awesome role model to your child then to be showing them how important their health is.
01-01-2011
I'm 10 weeks along now. I'm so tired ALL the time. I can really tell how tired I am, because I never took naps before and lately they seem like the best thing in the world. I have so many things to do, but all I want to do is sleep. I was reading about how exhausting the First Trimester is, and I've read and talked to other moms who said that they basically slept through their first Trimester. I'm looking forward to whenever I get my energy back, and I'm not so tired. Maybe I will get that back in twenty some years?... hehe. Two more weeks until I'm in my second trimester. I've read that that's when you stop going to the bathroom so much, and you're not as tired as you are in the first semester so bring it ON! Looking forward to it. Tonight I washed my first load of Baby Clothes, and hung them up on hangers. They're so cute. I can't wait to see our baby wearing them. Right now Chris has the carpet ripped up in the Nursery, because he put a ceilling fan in the Living room. The Ceiling fan is up, and working.. Now we just need to put the carpet back, and start working on the Nursery. Chris said he's going to fix the seals on the window in the nursery.. Then I need to start thinking about what color I want to paint the Nursery. We are going to paint it, maybe have some murals, or designs, painted on the walls. We also are going to remodel the closet, and put some storage shelves in there. We are still deciding if we are going to put any flooring in the baby's room or if we are going to wait and put Hardwood floors down. Our goal is to eventually put hardwood throughout the entire upstairs, but we may just replace the carpet in there for now, not sure what we're doing with that obviously so we'll just wait and see. I'm so excited to design the Nursery. I want it to be neutral. We haven't quite decided if we're going to find out the sex of the baby, so I would like it to work either way. I love oranges, yellows, greens, and blues.. I'm not into the whole if it's a boy it MUST wear blue/ if it's a girl it must wear Pink deal. I'm more of a neutral/earth tone person. We have a ton of other projects that we'd like to do before the baby gets here, but if they aren't finished before, oh well. :) This is our list of things we are going to try and do before the baba gets here: Clean & Organize our garage and make a huge delivery to Goodwill. We both have stuff from High school/etc. that we don't use, and probably never will that we need to just get rid of so we can make room for storage if we need it, and I'm sure we will. Next we're moving our Washer and Dryer from the Pantry downstairs, to the Storage/Furnace room upstairs. That will be awesome to have the Washer and Dryer upstairs so we don't have to carry all of our laundry downstairs, just to carry it and put it back upstairs. I can't wait for this little project to get done. I of course have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do in all of our cubboards and closets, but I will get it done before. We have some touch up painting to do downstairs.. Then the next project is our hallway, we painted it concord ivory to match our dining room and the colors are completely different so it looks really bad next to each other. It's like comparing a bold, darker, yellow, to a super bright lemon yellow. The baby's room was our guest bedroom. We moved the guest bedroom into the workout room. We decided that we want to move it again. We're going to move the Guest bedroom to the Office, and move the office to the room where we have the guest bed right now. We're going to try and paint the whole upstairs before the baby comes. All of the rooms need to be painted.. Then our guest bathroom is going to turn into the Baby's Bathroom, and we're going to paint it in the same theme as the Nursery. We have a lot to do before the baby gets here, but I know we will get it done.
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